![]() ![]() I can clean up vomit without flinching and I’ve done so on a number of occasions. In fact, in a lot of ways, I’m quite good at caring for and supporting others. It’s also true that I think I could be a good one. Yes, it’s true that I would love to be a mother. Anyone can imagine motherhood, and that’s all that I ever did. I never really knew what it was like to be a mom and I did not succeed in bringing life, or even the possibility of life, into this world. In fact, to do so only makes me feel worse - simultaneously a fraud and a failure. I do not feel as though I have ever been a mother and truly do not want to be celebrated as such. I’m honestly not saying this out of a sense of self-deprecation or even self-pity. No judgment on anyone who believes otherwise. Personally, I am G1P0 - pregnant once with no pregnancies reaching viable gestational age. Lots of people in positions similar to the one I currently occupy - GXP0, in medical terms, where X can is any whole number greater than or equal to 1 - might say yes. So, legitimately, I have a lot to celebrate.īut, what about me and motherhood? How do I think about that?Īm I a mom? Was I? A moment in time - what now that it’s gone? I have an excellent mom, a really amazing mother-in-law, a sister and sister-in-law that are mothers to 2 whole nieces and 2 more half-baked babes on the way, a kick ass grandma and another kick ass grandma-in-law. Mother’s Day is an interesting holiday in my shoes. So this year, whether we’re turning 34, 37, or 6, it’s going to be a good one! I sincerely hope you enjoy it too! I particularly love the end – “Mom is learning how to be my mom and I am learning how to be mom’s kid.” It’s an exciting time for our family as we figure it out together. One of our favorite books at the moment is My New Mom & Me by Renata Galindo. And this – being a mom to the most amazing little soul – is worth anything and everything. It was definitely worth it, if only because without having gone through all of that, I may never have found myself in a position to say yes to this. ![]() But I don’t have to convince myself of anything anymore. And I always had to convince myself of yes, thinking that the only way to know was to have tried. I’ve wondered so many times over the past six years if everything we went through to try to get pregnant had been worth it – worth the time, expense, pain, stress. So with a definitive answer and a few other minor things (completing a metric ton of paperwork, opening our pasts and present up to a rather thorough investigation, begging non-relatives to write nice things about us, bumming Sunday morning fingerprints from the Marshfield Police Department, rearranging every cupboard and closet in the house, completing several hours of online training, etc.), we obtained our foster care license and became first time parents to a walking, talking ray of sunshine. I cried (naturally) and Seth logic-ed (of course) and we talked and thought and asked questions and ultimately had to listen to the nearly deafening “YES”-es our hearts were screaming. Not a vague do-you-wanna-think-about-this kind of call, but rather a here’s-the-sitch-are-you-in-or-out type deal. Shortly before Labor Day, Seth and I received an out-of-the-blue phone call about becoming foster parents. Perhaps someday I’ll be in the position to share the whole fascinating story with you, but for now, the legally acceptable, but obnoxiously vague version is as follows: I’d be lying if I said I’d choose to do it all over again, if it were a choice at all, but I do find myself grateful now for how it prepared Seth and me to say the biggest yes of our lives. I don’t really believe in silver linings anymore, but I do believe that there is meaning in suffering and, in the end, I feel proud of the way my heart has grown over the last six years of infertility and loss. (Note to self: add rocky road to grocery list.) ![]() And I enter this, my 34th year, surprisingly grateful for the rocky road that led me here. ![]() I didn’t become a mom in the same way my mom did 34 years ago today, when she received the greatest gift of all (meeeee!), but I recently became a mom nonetheless. And perhaps that makes it a pretty big deal after all. But then again… it is the first time I’ve celebrated my birthday as a mom myself. And it kind of is, in the grand scheme of things. It’s kind of hard to believe that there will be cake and singing in my honor much later today because this year, my birthday feels so insignificant. Right about now, in the very early morning of this particular January 14th, I’m in the process of turning 34. ![]()
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